Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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