Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
