shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
