I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
