I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Alive.
So much puke
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
