so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
