My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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