True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
