just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
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Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
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Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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