So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
