Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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