Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
