I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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