You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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