I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
