Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
