I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
