I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
