im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
