he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Every concussion has its silver lining
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
