Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
