we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
