I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
