nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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