Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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