lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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