True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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