i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
