textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
