let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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