She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
