your parents love me but you hate me
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
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The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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