My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
