barbara walters just said penis...
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
