Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
