I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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