Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
