so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
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new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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