Hey man sorry I got all grabby
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
