he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
