The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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