Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
