Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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