Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
