i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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