I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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