i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
