I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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