Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
