I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
