stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize