i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
