hotel room ftw
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
