it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
