That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
