I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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