i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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