If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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